Falling apart!

Just wish not to be lost
In your eyes again,
Just wish not to be hurt
Don’t want to feel that pain

It’s true that I’m hurt
But I don’t want you to know,
It’s true that I still care
But I don’t want it to show,

I left you, not because,
It was hard for me to stay,
I left you because I knew,
What you wanted- but didn’t say…

That you wanted me to leave
That you wanted our love to end,
That you wanted to say to me
You want to be just a friend!

But you don’t know how it feels,
Maybe you won’t understand,
It’s hard for me now to leave
And even to be just a ‘friend’,
Dying hard inside to tell you that
I never wished to fall apart,
To tell you that may be unknowingly-
But you have really broke my heart,

And today you are here asking me that
Why the hell am I crying alone?

I hope you know that somewhere
You are the reason,
So just don’t act unknown,

How can it be like, that,
You have not felt the touch,
The love and care – I feel for you,
May be I was wrong,
That I knew you better,
While the reality was that I never knew you,

Now it’s hard for me to be free from love,
And even hard to say,

Can’t even hide the tears
And can’t even say …

After he came,

So deeply did he touch her soul to it’s core
She felt loved all over again,
With each passing day he loved her more
He didn’t knew how heavenly
He was erasing her pain…

His words echoed in her heart
As he let them out gradually
He wiped away her tears apart
He made her fall in love slowly,

Longed for love all along,
All of a sudden she was getting it all
He gave her the world-served her love,
And slowly broke each painful wall,

Walls that she built around herself
To not to get hurt ever again,
But those were the walls which –
Restricted the love,

And all that was left was just the pain …

He entered through these walls into her heart
Even though there was no door to it …
He found her broken pieces, understood them
And stitched them again bit by bit,

No scars left
No pain found
How strong love can be
She only knew it now…

After he came!

Less a Body, More a Soul

There is this hurricane
Inside your mind and soul,
Which you can’t deal with
And which you can’t explain…

A feeling runs through
Like blood in your veins
Telling – you will never be whole
And you will have to feel the pain…

Some facts are worth denying
Some lies are meant to be gulped
It will make you choke
For like once in a while
But will prevent – the reality
From getting blurred …

You lose your bits
Along the path
It’s true that you will never be whole…

But the ‘end you’
At the end of the journey –
Will be less a body and more a Soul …


 

Void …

It’s neither Up nor Down
Just a straight line

Which is leading me to nowhere
And leaving me behind with just a ‘void’

Emptiness that teases me
With Memories of yours

Memories of the love that
I felt in my heart

And now it’s me who can neither cry nor smile
Because I don’t want to stop this love,
Neither I want it to start

I remember the way you smiled
And I looked in your eyes

The way you got tensed seeing me
going through all of my cries,

And all those days we loved
Without any of the lies..

Then I suddenly realized that
It was just a ‘matter’ of ‘time’,
Just a matter of time
And ‘the’ ‘past’ of mine,

Now, this void holds a place
In my heart

Where I don’t want anyone to let in
And neither detach you apart

Soul speaks …!!!

A world with chaos all over
Bodies responding to each other

Some care about what’s said
Some care about what’s heard

But ‘souls’ never ever say a word…

There may be a room
Filled with crowd,
But you never know,
When the silence would surround..

Taking you to a world
of ‘hollowness’,
Where nothing is ‘lost’
and nothing is ‘found’ …

Take me back …

Take me back to
the days of my life,
when I used to smile
just for ‘me’,

take me back to
that dreamy world
where no boundaries were found
and where I felt truly free,

can’t see the truth here
its all blur around,
the more I remove the fog
the more the fog surrounds,

the reflection I see today
is not so much like ‘me’
I can feel the difference between
What I am and what I pretend to be,

With the passing days I experience
Rush and emptiness at the same time,
I try to be the
‘more of myself’
everytime …

it’s me and my mind with whom
I want to be for now,
But the more I try to be ‘me’
Is when I again get lost somehow..

Surely I learnt to differentiate
The ‘fake’ and the ‘real’
To hide the scar, even when it
didn’t heal,

but all these things just don’t matter
because now I know,
that these are just ‘things’ meant not to ‘feel’-
but just to ‘show’,

really want to go back to the days
when expectations didn’t really hurt,
back to the days –
when everyday of the year
seemed to be a ‘rebirth’ !!!

May be…

I know it’s still the heart of mine,
That wishes for you to be around

I know its never gonna happen
That I will search for you near and you will be found

May be I am thinking too much at this time
May be you are the only one I need for now,
May be it’s the touch that brings me close,
May be it’s the feeling I don’t wanna lose anyhow,

Feels to be complete when near
Feels to be insecure when far
Feels like it won’t last for ever
But I still don’t want to fall apart…

Feels like I was nothing for you
But for me you really meant
I tried stopping you from going away
But you still left me and went…

Feels like I am going a step away from myself every time
And neither coming near to you
But just left far behind…

I know situations are not like
As I wanted them to be…

Maybe you were always around
Maybe I couldn’t ever see …..

“Mere paas Maa hai …”… Sahir Ludhianvi

“Of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother’ so today on the international day of women, we pay our tributes to women and the ‘mother’ in them.

“Swami Tinhi Jagaacha Aai vina Bhikaari” …

Goes the lines are from a poem in ‘Marathi’, it means that… Even the lord of all the ‘three worlds’ is a beggar without a Mother…

Yes, every one of us understands the value of this word ‘mother’ and the value of her unconditional love she showers on us. How she cares for her child, how she serves a child for his whole life till she is alive.
Those who have been fortunate to have a mother and also those who are deprived of a mother’s love know very well the value of this word ‘mother’.

In our society, culture and traditions we have highest regards for our Mother. There are numerous stories of a ‘mother’s sacrifices as well as how some of them were the inspiration behind making of our great heroes and those many famous personalities and not to forget those who may not have got the publicity or the limelight, or those whose stories of great courage, stories of successful life inspired by their mothers may not have reached to us.
Also there are many who have been able to make a mark in their life and have achieved a lot only because their Mothers and their Mothers have been a great inspiration for them and played an important role in shaping of their destiny.

Today, we salute them all and salute their ‘womanhood’ because after all before being a mother they all are ‘women’.

A girl child – a daughter, a sister, a wife- better-half, a mother – a woman plays so many important roles in and around us.
She loves, she inspires, she cares, she gives meaning to life, she is mother, she is friend, she is daughter, and she is not only wife but simply a life…
A beautiful message describes a woman as ‘ the willingness to listen, the patience to understand, the strength to support, the heart to care and just to be there … that is the beauty of a woman’..

Today also happens to be the birth anniversary of poet-lyricist Sahir Ludhianvi.

He has talked about woman’s plight, her sufferings, how she has been treated for years in the society, what challenges she face, what are her problems and many more things associated with a woman. Through his poetry and songs he has time to time discuss womanhood and have thrown light on the contemporary world where woman have been neglected, insulted and tortured.

We are all aware that Sahir Ludhianvi shared a strong bond with his mother and many of his poems on woman have been inspired by his mother’s hardships and challenges she faced during her life.

Most of the books on Sahir Ludhianvi find mention of his strong bond of relationship with his Mother and many of us are aware of this through the information in books on Sahir Ludhianvi or other sources like interviews of famous film personalities or information available on the internet.

But I don’t think that much in details have been discussed about his mother and how she faced problems after separating from her husband and upbringing of a son to a poet lyricist of this great stature that Sahir achieved in his life.
Today we throw some light on the above based on the information available in few books on Sahir Ludhianvi and some info on the internet.

In the ‘introduction’ of the book ‘ Jaag Utthhe Khwaab Kayi- Sahir Ludhianvi ’ (Penguin Books India-Yatra Books-2010) editor Murlimanohar Prasad Singh mentions that if one has to understand about Sahir’s personality, ideology, emotions, thoughts and dreams and his poetic soul and if one has to know Sahir, one has know about his mother Sardar Begam.
To put his point further he has cited the novel Mother by Maxim Gorky published in 1906 and based on which in 1926 a Russian movie Mother was made and it was directed by Vsevolod Pudovkin.
The plot of the original novel as mentioned on the Wikipedia is as given below;

In his novel, Gorky portrays the life of a woman who works in a Russian factory doing hard manual labour and combating poverty and hunger, among other hardships. Pelageya Nilovna Vlasova is the real protagonist; her husband, a heavy drunkard, physically assaults her and leaves all the responsibility for raising their son, Pavel Vlasov, to her, but unexpectedly dies. Pavel noticeably begins to emulate his father in his drunkenness and stammer, but suddenly becomes involved in revolutionary activities. Abandoning drinking, Pavel starts to bring books to his home. Being illiterate and having no political interest, Nilovna is at first cautious about Pavel’s new activities. However, she wants to help him. Pavel is shown as the main revolutionary character. Nevertheless Nilovna, moved by her maternal feelings and, though uneducated, overcoming her political ignorance to become involved in revolution, is considered the true protagonist of the novel.

(The ‘plot’ of the film ‘Mother’ made in 1926’ and is also mentioned on wiki here)

We can understand how in a male dominated society a single woman has to face the social concerns, whether she is a ‘widow’, a divorcee, or a ‘woman simply abandoned by her husband’.
The conditions in any ‘time span’ would have been the same and the reality must have been more harsh or continued to be harsh as we see it today and in such circumstances if a woman dedicated her whole life for her child then it is as exemplary as we see in the case of Sahir Ludhianvi.
For ages the story would have been the same and a woman must have fought more courageously to sustain herself in the adversity of life, and when the whole world is against her. It is difficult to face criticism from all side in around yourself and still continue this journey of life.

I have tried to visualize of how Sahir’s mother would have faced the challenges of her times and how she was able to do upbringing of Sahir and his love for poetry even in those turbulent times of her personal life when she was passing through and how her stubbornness, righteousness, virtuousness, her strong mental condition, the values , the ethics she followed, is depicted in the various poems/songs that Sahir has penned while writing the songs on woman, a mother, or a mother-son song or a father-son song for that matter.

So when we have lullaby from his pen his words are full of dreams full of love of a mother for her child;

So ja re so ja meri ankhiyon ke taare
mere raajdulaare
tohe sapnon ki nagri se
nindiya pukaare
pariyon ke baalak
taaron ke bhes mein
tujhko bulaane aaye
chanda ke des mein
sapnon ka raaj hai ae
mere munne ke liye
phoolon ka taaj hai

One can think of the greatness of Sardar Begam, Sahir’s mother, who inspite of her own disturbed life when she left her husband’s home, when he married for 12th time, and she has taken her child with her and taken up his upbringing.
One can imagine how little Sahir was being fed, what values were being inculcated in him and how his life was being shaped.

Mere munne re
seedhi raah pe chalna
jug jug tak phoolna phalna
kaisi bhi mushkil aaye
tera paaon na dolne paaye
tu kul ka maan badhaaye
main tujh par balihaari
seedhi raah pe chalna
sach baat se mat ghabraana
har jhooth se takra jaana
sansaar mein naam kamaana
meri jeewan raat andheri
tu nanhee jyot hai meri
kal hoke na ho maa teri
main tujh par balihaari
seedhi raah pe chalna

(When I shared this song earlier, it reminded me of the famous poem ‘the hand that rocked the cradle, is the hand that rules the world’)

When Sahir’s mother left her husband’s home and taken the child Sahir with her, her husband tried to pressurize her to come back home or either leave the child with him.
But instead of succumbing to his demands Sardar Begam file a case against her husband for divorce and she fight for the custody of Sahir.
Sahir’s father had even threatened of killing Sahir.
During all this time Sahir’s mother must have surely been worried about the uncertain future of her child and a thought losing her child or even what will happen to the child if she is not there must have passed through her mind.

We could find these worries articulated in Sahir’s songs;

tujhko haalaat ki aandhi se bachaane ke liye
aaj main pyaar ke aanchal mein chhupaa leti hoon
kal ye kamzor sahaaraa bhi na haasil hogaa
kal tujhe kaanton bhari raah pe chalnaa hogaa
zindagaani ki kadi dhoop mein jalnaa hogaa
tere bachpan ko jawaani ki duaa deti hoon
aur duaa deke pareshaan si ho jaati hoon

Or

parmeshwar rakhwaala teraa
wo hi maata
wo hi pita hai
maine to bas paala aa
sukh sapne saakaar huye
jab maine tujhko paaya aa
teen lok kaa saain tere
sar par rakkhe saaya
tu mera nanha manmohan
tu mera nandalaala aa aa
parmeshwar rakhwaala teraa
parmeshwar rakhwaala

At times she may have even cursed the circumstances in her life and the fear of losing her own life may also have stuck up her mind, but whom she should trust for her child’s safety;

Kaanton bhare hain sab raaste
tere vaaste
jeewan ki dagar mein
kaun banegaa teraa aasraa
bedard nagar mein
tu mere pyaar kaa phool hai
ke meri bhool hai
kuchh kah nahin sakti
par kisi kaa kiyaa tu bhare
ye sah nahin sakti

Seeing his mother struggling, going through trials and tribulations a child at young age can understand the reality but given his age and his limitations he could assure his mother that one day he will stand for her

Maa tu aansoo ponchhle apne
rone ki koi baat nahin
jab tak tere saath hoon main
mat soch ke koyee saath nahin
aur zaraa sa paal de mujhko
phir main tujhko paaloonga
jo maangegi so laaunga
koi baat na taaloonga
jo teri jholi mein na daaloon
aisi koi saugaat nahin
Maa tu aansoo ponchhle apne
rone ki koi baat nahin

And when this child grows up he vows to eliminate all the struggles all the problems from his mother’s life;

Jab tak tere saath hoon main
mat soch ke koyee saath nahin
din bhar mehnat karke jab main
shaam ko waapas aaoonga
din bhar mehnat karke jab main
shaam ko waapas aaoonga
apne paas bithaakar tujhko
pyaar ke saath khilaaunga
tu aisa mat soch ke tere
sar pe koyi haath nahin
maa tu aansoo ponchhle apne
rone ki koi baat nahin

And that is why even when Sahir entered adulthood his mother was the centre of his being and when Sahir established himself as a successful lyricist he does everything to ensure that his mother is happy and whenever she was upset Sahir would get tense and he could not be at rest till he get to know that everything is well with his mother.

The troubles she had gone through in bringing up Sahir, after separating from her husband and all the difficulties of a being a woman is what we find expressed in various poems of Sahir and those that later on become part of films.

Sahir’s mother left him in 1976 and after four years of her Sahir left us on 25.10.1980.

(note : On the second thought, and knowing about the relationship between Jan Nisar Akhtar and the few years Javed Akhtar spent with Sahir Saab it will be interesting to know if the character of mother and the famous dialogue ‘ mere paas maa hain’ from the film Deewaar was at any time inspired from Sahir’s life. Rather I strongly feel that it must have been.
Recently I even tried to speak to Javed Saab but he was out of Mumbai for some work)

For today’s post to present with a song I had this song marked very much earlier when I get a chance to share some of the above songs for Atul ji’s  blog.

Tu mere saath rahega munne ae
Tu mere saath rahega munne
Taaqi tu jaan sake
Tujhko parwaan chadhaane ke liye
Kitne sangeen maraheel se
Teri maa guzri
Tu mere saath rahega munne

Tu mere saath rahega munne
Taaqi tu dekh sake
Kitne paaon meri mamta ke
Kaleje pe pade
Kitne khanjar meri aankhon
Mere kaanon mein gade
Tu mere saath rahega munne

Main tujhe reham ke saaye mein na
Palne doongi
Zindagaani ki kadi dhoop mein
Chalne doongi
Taaqi tap tap ke tu faulaad bane
Maa ki aulaad bane
Maa ki aulaad bane
Tu mere saath rahega munne

Jab talak hoga tera saath nibhaaungi main
Phir chali jaaungi
Us paar ke sannaaton mein
Aur taaron se tujhe jhaankungi
Zakhm seene mein liye
Phool nigaahon mein liye
Tera koyi bhi nahin mere siwa
Mera koyi bhi nahin tere siwa
Tu mere saath rahega munne
Tu mere saath rahega munne
Tu mere saath rahega munne

(Part-2)

Jab talak hoga tera saath nibhaaungi main
Phir chali jaaungi
Us paar ke sannaaton mein
Jab talak hoga tera saath nibhaaungi main
Phir chali jaaungi
Us paar ke sannaaton mein
Aur taaron se tujhe jhaankungi ee
Zakhm seene mein liye
Phool nigaahon mein liye
Mera har dard tujhe dil mein basaana hoga
Main teri maa hoon
Mera karz chukaana hoga
Meri barbaadi ke zaameen agar aabaad rahe
Main tujhe doodh na bakhshoongi
Tujhe yaad rahe
Main tujhe doodh na bakhshoongi
Tujhe yaad rahe
Tujhe yaad rahe
Tujhe yaad rahe

Lyrics in Devnagri Script:

तू मेरे साथ रहेगा मुन्ने ऐ
तू मेरे साथ रहेगा मुन्ने
ताकि तू जान सके
तुझको परवान चढाने के लिए
कितने संगीन मराहिल से
तेरी माँ गुजरी
तू मेरे साथ रहेगा मुन्ने

तू मेरे साथ रहेगा मुन्ने
ताकि तू देख सके
कितने पाँव मेरी ममता के कलेजे पे पड़े
कितने खंजर मेरी आँखों
मेरे कानों में गड़े
तू मेरे साथ रहेगा मुन्ने

मैं तुझे रहम के साए में न
पलने दूँगी
जिंदगानी की कड़ी धुप में
चलने दूँगी
ताकि तप तप के तू फौलाद बने
माँ की औलाद बने
माँ की औलाद बने
तू मेरे साथ रहेगा मुन्ने

जब तलक होगा तेरा साथ निभाउंगी मैं
फिर चली जाउंगी
उस पार के सन्नाटों में
और तारों से तुझे झाँकुंगी
जख्म सीने में लिए
फूल निगाहों में लिए
तेरा कोई भी नहीं मेरे सिवा
मेरा कोई भी नहीं तेरे सिवा
तू मेरे साथ रहेगा मुन्ने
तू मेरे साथ रहेगा मुन्ने
तू मेरे साथ रहेगा मुन्ने

(भाग २ )

जब तलक होगा तेरा साथ निभाउंगी मैं
फिर चली जाउंगी
जब तलक होगा तेरा साथ निभाउंगी मैं
फिर चली जाउंगी
उस पार के सन्नाटों में
और तारों से तुझे झाँकुंगी
जख्म सीने में लिए
फूल निगाहों में लिए
मेरा हर दर्द तुझे दिल में बसाना होगा
मैं तेरी माँ हूँ
मेरा क़र्ज़ चुकाना होगा
मेरी बर्बादी के जामीन अगर आबाद रहे
मैं तुझे दूध न बख्शूंगी
तुझे याद रहे
मैं तुझे दूध न बख्शूंगी
तुझे याद रहे
तुझे याद रहे
तुझे याद रहे

Note: Meaning of few key words:

Parwan chadhna – to grow up, grow, increase, flourish
Sangeen – hard, stony
Marahil – stations, stages, days’ journeys; journeys.
Bakhshnaa- to give, grant, bestow, to forgive, pardon, excuse.